Saturday, March 5, 2011

Drive Angry is the smackiest shit I seen all this week

Just when you know that Nic Cage is the shittiest actor of all the planet to expect after blunders like National Fucking Treasure and Bangkok NOT AT ALL Dangerous (or Bangkok Perfectly Safe) and gems like Lord of War you would expect him to throw in the towel.

He had a great role in Kick Ass, to be fair I wish he would stay like that, you know, a bit of wannabe vengeful Batman and a lot of regretful, sorrowful pride of Lord of War Yuri Orlov, then along came a deal called Drive Angry.

Now, here you are, staring the poster of the Drive Angry (Below says SHOT IN 3FUCKINGD) and you thought, ooh, is this one of those films like Faster? you know, where they claim vengeance is indeed faster than you think it was?

No, it wasn't. How can that be you ask, the show says it is drive angry, the opening part has these big emboldened words in thick grey text floating behind Nick Cage as he blows up a fucking car by setting alight petroleum leakage from said car, it says DRIVE ANGRY.

So how come there is ONLY ONE CAR CHASE SCENE?

It was a relatively collected one, I can name you a documentary of Michael Schumacher in an F1 race where he drives angrier than Nick Cage in a car in Drive Angry. Drive Angry quite simply should have been named 'Man with a Angry Drive to Drive Someone to Hell. or something like that.

Aside from the devil worshipping orgy whupping stuff that keeps happening and this sicko getting a blowjob but ends up having Nick's in-film daughter chew off his dong and subsequently killed her with a slash to the neck... I really don't see much happening.

But guess what, I never expected it but I am totally liking this show.

This guy:

This show is fucktasticly callous, it is like someone decided it was the best idea to throw in an FBI agent devil representative and give him the most boring name ever called The Accountant, (HOW ABOUT THE CLERK, OR THE JUNIOR LOAN OFFICER, OR THE CENTER PURCHASING SUPERVISOR) I mean, come the fuck on.

Ok, that aside, here I am with this crazy cool guy who pinned a hillbilly wifebeater to a wall and gave a slutbag waitress enough wet dreams to last 3 decades at a cafe, while simultaneously calling some fucktard a fat fuck in a very collected manner, and I like it. Accountants aside, this show took a whole hour to piece together, OH SO THAT'S WHY HAPPENED.

I totally enjoyed it, I mean, I know Nick was something awesome in this movie, DAD WHO GET  SENT TO HELL AND CAME BACK TO SAVE HIS GRANDAUGHTER FROM THE ARMS OF MALICIOUS DEVIL WORSHIPPERS?

Sounds like awesome.

It was.

But you know what? The fact the Accountant spent a nice narration on the devil himself, Lucifer, Baal, Beelzebub whatever... he was said to be 'a quiet collected person... sophisticated even, and considers the act of sacrificing children in his name annoying' was really a nice bit.
this show has a lot to do with asses

I mean, here I was fresh outta the cinema from The Rite where Anthony Hopkins was going "WELL YOU SEE, IN HELL THE DEVIL HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN RAPE HIS OWN CHILDREN AND HAVE MANY MORE INCESTUAL CHILDREN TOGETHER SO THEY HAVE RAPE ORGIES" and here is a 180 from that and he is a quietly reading guy just reading books in hell yeah.

Ok, ok, anyway, as far as I know, I dunno what to say except to say that all coherent manner of speaking has been lost by the time I am done with this blog post.
It is fucking fun.

Nick Cage is in a show called Drive Angry, that has very little to do with Driving or being Angry (he is quite calm half the time, if not always, just determined). So go watch it.

See this happy chap? He ain't angry not at all.


  1. Chill down. I'm not sure if this is a good one or a bad one at all. You're misleading me. You're not making any effing sense!

    How are you doing? I hope Vietnam air hasn't shut down most of your sanity functions

  2. it is neither good nor bad.

    it is somwhere in between madness and happiness and a can of lizards with toenail polish.

    lol lol lol ergh berp deep tzzzzh


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