GI Joe is an ok show

GI Joe review

On first sight, the movie strike to me as playing Halo 2. The Accelerator suits X6 or something and that scene where you see in the trailer as they jump about the missiles flying straight for them is testosterone charged and ultra-fly, and the suits make them look like Master Chief.

However, if you actually sit down on watch the show you realize this was another one of those Michael Bay things, it is fast, it is pumping and after all the climax there is nothing left. Which, to some enthusiasts of the original, is an insult, however it is not as the original GI Joe is in fact nothing more than 'Monster of the Week' shows on a Saturday morning. It is a bit like sitting down with your 'waifu' you feel sexually aroused by the perfect skin of your fuckpillow and your figurines, after you masturbate, there is nothing left you can feel for it and you have to seek other sources for entertainment.

The story begins with the creation of nanomachines (cue in Mai-Hime jokes here) by a company called M.A.R.S. (heh, why not P.L.U.T.O. or V.E.N.U.S. hidden references to the male insecurity?) creating liquid filled missile warheads filled with green goop supposedly containing little nanomites capable of eating any sort of metal (this actually exist in the natural world).

Naturally like all war toys, it was to be sold. Needless to be said, despite the onset of a plot, it was quite clear exactly at this point 4 minutes into the show exactly who was the bad guy. Hint: always look for the guy with the funny accent. MARS director or researcher guy revealing the warhead had this unfunny pretentious accent that is too heavy for his own good, and his acting was wooden, leading me to believe that he would turn out bad because of how he acted. AND... I was right!

10 minutes into the show and we are guided to a battlefield, a stealth helicopter plane able to fire soundwaves that can destroy conventional Apaches? Sounds like a plan! The plan was to hijack the weapons.

So far, if you didn't already predict this much you have to be a virgin at the theaters. It was all written for all to see, bad guy comes steal bullets, GI Joe pops up miraculously and saved the day. Then, our lead, played by Tatum, reprising his somewhat Bgrade acting skills from the days of Street Dancing to a military commando called Duke with little or no personality akin to that of Keanu Reeves acting; comes up and say 'I don't care who you are, or what you are, your weapons look so cool I creamed my pants and I want in or I whine about my romance with this girl called Ana back in high school.'

So poof, he was in, despite all the secrecy it was revealed he was 'scouted' by the Joes, they are a military group of militia not guided by anything other than 'this is how America talks, weapons, bombs and freedom.' as their policy. Protecting the peace? These shitpots just ripped up one part of Paris and the Eiffel Tower! (later)

So, off they go and by now you already know there will be a love love affair between the Baroness and Duke because of all the flashbacks, and you already know that Ripcord and Scarlet will be together, so nuff said. You already know that they will go for it again, and thus, the Snakes invited themselves into the SUPER HIGH SECURITY HIDEOUT OF THE JOES and killed their doods.

WOW, WHAM, FIREPOWER, BOOM BLAST BANG POP! and then, nothing. They stole the warheads, and then the warheads were fired etc... (after a chase scene in Paris)

As per usual, films like this dictate that American firms have no responsibility when operating in foreign grounds, a call to the ambassador of France by the president supposedly well aware of the Joes (super highly intensely classified) operations made everything a-okay and the Joes (after an operation that killed many many cute croissant peddling Frenchmen) were released from intense high security anti-terrorism cells.

It makes sense, IRL they would have been executed I reckon. They just tore down the city and sunk the Eiffel Tower sideways, that is NAPOLEON'S GIANT PENIS IN THE CITY YOU FUCKTARDED AMERICANS! The French must have said in their hearts, but no, GI Joe stands above teh law.

Whatever it is, the rest I would leave it to you to explore, if there was anything left.



Verdict:

If anything, the show was like an adrenaline rush, five steps in and you are greeted with a BOOOOOM, or a SHOOOOM, the idea behind them doesn't matter, just make it quick fast, corny love affairs thrown in along with iconic roles given to exactly the sort of people YOU KNOW WHO IS GONNA BE in the show.
Yes, there was no surprise, even to those who don't read reviews or cast lists, you already know who is gonna be who.

It proves no help that this movie will indeed get a sequel, not to mention there better be because BRENDAN FUCKING FRASER is in it. Who doesn't want a mummy hunter and to add insult to injury, the mummy himself (Imhotep/Arnold Vosloo) plays as a facechanger Zartan in the show?

Highlight of the show?

NINJAS, FUCKING 2 of THEM SWING SHING KAPING! It was all Ninja bladeworks and flashy showdowns until one goes down. (and all it began with a little brotherly rivalry turned jealousy. )

Safe to say, this will be a show that is akin to masturbation, after you are done, you are left with a hollow feeling as you leave the cinema feeling you been drugged.


Nonetheless, it was enjoyable while it lasted, I go for the Ninjas, if you didn't go for the Ninjas you wouldn't think much of this show either. Snakes Eyes could easily fit to be the gayest icon on movies ever with his matte black skintight outfit. (HOW THE FUCK DOES HE EVEN BREATH IN THAT FUCKING SUIT?)


6/10