Monday, June 15, 2009

Drag Me to Hell review

I got dragged to hell by a talking goat is this film's true focus... in that 15 minutes alone, more epic in cinema history has occured more than any other cinema release ever.

Continuing the epic review method ala pure skepticism/stupidity and sheer insanity, I have decided to review the masterfully done piece of horror work by Sam Raimi's (the guy who did Spider Man) latest offering, Drag Me to Laughing Hell...oops, I meant Drag Me to Goat Hell...oops, I MEANT DRAG ME TO HELL.

Drag Me to Hell, here on referred to DMTH, is an offering by what you can call, aesthetically focused horror genre ala Hollywood. Hollywood as we know, loves to fuck shit up, it doesn't matter if it is Dragonball, or Once Upon a Time in China, or porn for that matter, they like to glossy up everything on the silver screen.

At the start of the year, me and a friend has went to some very good movies, and over the months that passed, a number of good movies did in fact brought lots of promise that Hollywood is not dead, and does not employ directors who are not fit to carry the burden of a good film.

DMTH however, comes along yesterday when we watched it and it turned the tables on us, poured the tea over, stepped up on our balls and stabbed the urethra with a three inch wide stick armed with a flaming brand.

Sam Raimi is good for one of the two things: "Hollywood Superheroes/Shonen flicks" and "Science fiction" but never come across as one who does horror films, in fact, this has been an affair that literally had us laughing through the cinema, cursing Sam Raimi while at it and basically hurling out our foods out of sheer ridicule. (There was a lot of old woman antics that disgusted us, and hurling)

Sam Raimi seemed to have wanted to show the world he has a fetish of sorts for hurling up foods and enzymes, never before was the shots so comedic that it looked like all he wanted to do was to make a Warner Bros cartoon like Speedy Gonzalez meets the Woodpecker or something into a horror movie.

The movie starts with a premise... Girl had a nice job, a nice boyfriend, and a nice whatever...then she wanted a promotion, and on that day she wanted to try for it, an old Gypsy lady decide to drop in to ask for a 3rd loan extension. Lohman's character decided not to grant the loan, based on the fact she has to make a 'tough decision' to get the post for assistant manager. Gypsy lady, Sylvia Ganush begged and cried...hoping she would turn her decision around and in an instant, Lohman's character stepped back, having the poor old lady (disgusting as she may be, that was unforgivable act from Lohman's character) fall flat to her face, with the crowd inside the bank all looking at her with bewildered eyes.

Blah blah, she enters a dark carpark after work and to be assaulted by the old Gypsy, cursed now, she is now slated for a slot in Hell's kitchen. (no Gordon Ramsey was not included).

The rest of this becomes a climatic buildup, striking shadows... utter silence and cheap shocks were all employed in a matter of sysmatically build up a wall of cheap shocks to scare the kids, but anyone with half a mind would go and see this film and laughed at every one of the not so shocking...shocks.

Here is a list that follows but first:

Meet Billy the Goat, he is cute, about 4 years of age, and has a set of really good omnivorous teeth that can chew papers and just about everything you can hurl at him. He dislikes cats. A LOT.

In one scene alone, there is over 3 silent periods and CAT OUT OF A DUSTBIN shocks, like... (silence) and then BOO! OKAY FALSE ALARM.

1. Halfway through the movie, lady decided it was all okay to puke worms on Lohman's character, spooky yes...but nothing unexpected. Then, it was all spoiled by the time the second attack happened when the Lamia (show monster) decided it was a good idea to pay a house visit and simply grab Lohman's character off the ground and fling her around.

2. Okay, an exorcist was included... (cheap voices imitations of ghostly laugh effects here) lala and then she pays for service and got told she was to pay more money to an even more powerful exorcist... danger or some shit. (I wonder where it went to since like all standard corny horror, the exorcist dies anyway)

3. She proceeded to hunt down a cat, despite claiming she is an animal lover... etc. logical considered how scared shitless she was from a few swings of pot and pans by freak winds and getting bitch slapped by a shadow that looks like Billy the Goat. (Lamias are not even Goats for christ sake, a Lamia is the name for a Naga looking creature with human torso and snake body for legs.)

4. Somewhere around the mid end, she was desperate to raise the money for the exorcism, so she pawned her stuff and while looking for pawning items in her tool shed, she gets a visit from old Gypsy... turns out she was dead already, so this Gypsy is an illusion, and like all standard corny horror, it can physically hold your neck...but instead of this...SOMETHING EPIC HAPPENED

Yes, old Gypsy decided it was a good idea to reach inside her and plant her ENTIRE ARM while DISAPPEARED into HER MOUTH/THROAT... a struggle for some 10 seconds continued as muffled "MMMMHHHMMM" were included before a forge stand (you know the thing they used to forge a sword from? the stand where the hot metal was slammed by a steel hammer on?) HANGING ON THE CEILING ala WARNER BROS/CARTOON NETWORK style was unhinged by Lohman's Mouthfisted character to SLAM DOWN on Gypsy's head and SOMETHING MORE EPIC HAPPENED!

Like this, Gypsy's eyeballs practically slammed out of her skull by the large iron forge that vertically fell down on her head and the eyeballs ATTACHED THEMSELVES ALONG WITH BLACK SOMETHING LIQUID ONTO Lohman's face! It was LOL OMG WTF ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE ME CAUSE I JUST LAUGHED LIKE A BITCH.

5. Running past that, they decide to go for the exorcism after boyfriend was kind enough to pay the whole amount. It was all okay, and then the exorcism lady said something about when she entered a seance, which is to summon spirits ala Gypsy style, she would be possessed by the Lamia, and at which point, Lohman must put her hand on a goat, which is Billy from above. Halfway through the exorcist decides to welcome spirits, and began signing off tonedly some gypsy song that sounded like her grandmother just got plowed down by a Chevelle and is having an orgasm while she gets fucked by a crocodile.

The first scene was hilarious... from out of nowhere...(silence) (AGAIN?!)...and then a bunch of spirits show up, as though it was PARTAY TIME they are like EXTRAS from the THRILLER video only it was appears Sam thought that green lights shone under the faces and enhanced by CGI is STILL SCARY in 2009! (this shit is so 70s or something). One even came flying out of a window and wore like a Victorian lady, complete with gothic get up and bad makeup, goes AHHHHHH and then has a small little black umbrella with frilly laces. If I didn't know better, this has suddenly some Walt Disney branded on it.

So Exorcist goes through a minute long explanation that sometimes lost spirits will come for the party too if she sings like a whore. She shooed them away...and (silence) (*facepalms*) suddenly, shit happened! Exorcist was possessed according to plan and small indian guy with bushy beard who is present until the end of the movie as a support/joke character asks the possessed (with big eyes...) what she wants with Lohman.

"I WANT YOUR SOUL BLAH BLAH YOU KNOW THE DRILL." says the demon, and Lohman, as though grabbing hold to an ounce of intelligence suddenly, puts the hand of possessed Exorcist on Billy, transferring suddenly the demon into the goat! Ok, it was all dandy...but then.. BILLY STARTED TALKING.

"YOU FILTHY SWINE, YOU CHEATED ME!" The goat sounded, in a presumably still stylish demon voice, deep with baritone and sounded like a bitch filled her mouth with cum.
This part was even animated, the Goat moved its jaws up and down in a cartoonish manner as it chomped on the hands on another on hand character and possesed him.

Milos as this person is know, becomes the possessed instead. He began dancing around like a FAGGOT and flies... and then HE VOMITED A CAT. A cute kitty (earlier murdered in cold blood by animal lover Lohman) as a sacrifice for the demon to appease it was VOMITED OUT OF MILOS MOUTH (complete with lightning and thunder and flickering shadows in the background with music!) BOO AM I SCARY YET?! BET YOUR DEMON CANNOT VOMIT CATS!

The rest of the film seemed however to steer itself back on course, despite already unrescuable sheer ridiculousness. It was all entire comedic, and when it was the end... the dragged to hell part happened. AFTER SOME 1 HOUR AND 30 MINUTES OF HORROR GAGS copied from every single FAILED HORROR writer or as though TWILIGHT's director took the reign from Sam and changed the script for it. Actually...scratch that, maybe Walt Disney himself saw that the horror movie was too horrible and decided that it is better if Acme was included and the looney toons too would make fine examples to the movie's highlight.


(Verdict: 0.5/5)

All in all... this film has been the biggest LOL FEST claiming its stake of spot in the horror film business.

The only advice I can give to all of you, is that you should not watch this thinking it was a horror movie. There is no horror in it, sheer none. There is only LOL ROFLMAO AND ZOMGWTFLOL in every single scene that it attempts to be scary at.

It is not that I don't have faith, but this movie has yet again proven to me, that sometimes, when you are good at something, stick with it, don't divert your resources.

I would personally demand that Sam Raimi come over and have a chat with me on this if he would, but if he did, he would have to answer for the crime against humanity this show has proven itself to be.

Surely we are well over the 1970-1980s cheap scare period already have we? Even Lake Placid or Anaconda was scarier than this piece of shit. (unless of course, Sam does this because it is a comedy, not horror) but even then, it is a pretty bad joke, like 'your mum is so fat' jokes, only niggers and jews were included.

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